Secrets
by silentxsoul
Summary: There are many things in life that Shawn never told his father or Gus. He never told them about that one semester of college in Ohio, or the mugging Denver. There are certain things you never tell a soul, but sometimes the truth comes out anyway.
1. Chapter 1

_There are many things in life that Shawn never told his father, or Gus for that matter. Most stemmed from his extended vacation around the country after he left high school. He never told them about that one semester of college in Ohio, or the mugging in Denver. There are certain things you never tell a soul, but sometimes the truth comes out anyway. _

* * *

><p><strong>I clearly don't own Psych. I'm not nearly as witty as the writers or Steve Franks. I do own a three-hole-puncher, however.<strong>

**rated for some minor language use, nothing bad.  
>rated for graphic violence and mentions of drug use.<br>**

* * *

><p>Shawn Spencer lay sprawled on the couch slipping on a pineapple smoothie, reflecting on his past. It wasn't often that he did this, rather it usually came after a particularly bad fight with his father. Most of the time he could block him out, remind himself that he was doing well in life, and that should be good enough. But he knew in his heart it wasn't good enough for his father, because his father thought he knew him and how he had spent his life on the road.<p>

_Hours Earlier:_

"_Shawn! Listen to me when I'm speaking to you!" His father snapped. Shawn resisted the urge to roll his eyes as his father waved his steak knife at him. Below him rested the same meal his father was devouring, but his however, was untouched. One tended to lose their appetite when they were being lectured and attacked. _

"_This is speaking to me? I could have sworn it was an unwarranted attack on my life, like always. Come on dad, save your breath. This marks the seventy-fifth time since last week." Shawn replied, shoving his plate to the side. The playfulness in his eyes slowly disappeared and a dull, tiresome look stepped in._

_It wasn't even his idea to be having dinner. His father had practically forced him into it. Shawn preferably would be curled up in bed, catching up on the past 36 hours without sleep. The last case had been hellish, involving an ex-officer's wife being found dead. The case was finally over and the killer behind bars. Apparently that didn't satisfy his father though, no, not the fact that Shawn had saved Mr. Liamsworth from the killer who returned a second time. Or the fact that he and Juliet had been the ones to crack the case. _

"_Unwarranted my ass. Do you know how stupid you were being? Of course not, why would I even ask something like that to you. You don't even know the definition of stupid." His dad spit out. Shawn didn't grace it with a reply, rather he sighed and shoved his chair back._

"_I'm going home." He stated simply. He was in no way ready for a fight, not after the last three days he had just had. _

"_Yea, just like always. Run when it gets tough. Just like after graduation. Just like after you turned twenty one. Just like after you got fired from your last job in Santa Barbara. How is it possible that you can't even do one single thing in your life right?"_

_Shawn snapped his head back at his father, disbelief flooding his face. "Really? How about all those cases _I _SOLVED. Without your precious help. But that's beside the point. There is only one reason I "Run"," He used air quotes on the word 'run'," and it's you. Do you seriously think I enjoy this. Are you so sick and delusional that you think I love staying here listening to you bitch and moan about _my_ life? I can't go three hours without something being my fault, wrong, stupid, dangerous, or being a royal screw up in your eyes. And I've had it. You think you know everything about my life. Well newsflash, you don't, and you never will."_

* * *

><p>He had stormed from his dad's house, throwing his plate into the wall, not caring that it shattered, or that his father continued to scream insults. It took all his willpower not to punch out the glass in the front door, or to even keep the door on its hinges.<p>

As he parked in front of the office he decided to take a small detour and grabbed a smoothie before barricading himself inside the office. To make sure he was guaranteed privacy, he locked the door, and the deadbolt, then he scooted the bookshelf in front of the door, and shut all the blinds. Glancing at his phone he noted that there were six missed calls from his dad, four of them that he made into voice mails. Shawn shut his phone off and tossed it into his desk.

Quickly he made himself take a seat on the couch before he could do any harm to the office. No matter what, nothing was worth facing an angry Gus after he had been sleep deprived for 36 hours. Nothing.

Psych was in its third year of operations, and Shawn Spencer could say, with much assurance, that he was finally happy somewhere in life. He had spent years on the road trying to fill the small hole in his heart that opened after the divorce of his parents. Most of the time it was a temporary fix, others there wasn't any change. It took four years last time for him to finally realize that life on the road wasn't cutting it. With nothing but odd jobs here and there, he could barely scrape enough money to stay at a hotel and keep gas in his motorcycle.

However, life abroad had definitely given him some insight on the real world, mostly the darker side of the real world. It all started when he bailed after graduation, driving almost nonstop to the East Coast, trying to get as far away from his father as possible. He succeeded, and wound up traveling up and down the different beaches before heading back west to Ohio.

There he decided, almost grudgingly, to enroll in some classes at a small community college. He got a job, saved up enough to get an apartment and pay for the classes. In a matter of months he was a full time student, something he never thought he'd actually do, ever.

It didn't last long, barely a semester, but that was mostly because of what happened. It was completely out of his control that time. Shawn had shown up at a small party being thrown in one of the more lavish dorms. When he arrived the party was already in full swing. There were people everywhere downing shot after shot, getting into drug circles, and dancing drunkenly. Shawn shook his head. He could honestly say the only reason he was even here was because he needed a cold one, and he was too broke (and too young) to buy one.

He grabbed a beer that had just been poured from a guy who had taken up the job as 'beer passer-outer'. TThree gulps later and it was gone. He circled the house a few times, and downed two more before staggering out of the building in the direction of his. Immediately he could tell something was wrong, his head was far too cloudy to be drunk, and he was having difficulty remembering where he was going, or where he was for that matter. Shawn never had trouble remembering something.

He made it half way there before he collapsed on the sidewalk. If it hadn't been for the Rent-a-cop Shawn was sure he would have died that night. Tox screens revealed that he had ingested a large amount of the date rape drug, causing him to OD on it. It was the first time in his life that Shawn had been scared, really scared.

As he lay there, sipping on his smoothie, the emotions that went along with that particular memory came flooding back, as if a dam had broken loose. Immediately he was overwhelmed with fear and powerlessness, and the looming thoughts of death.

That was the first thing he had never told Gus or his dad about. Nor would he ever. In fact he refused to tell his name at the hospital, so it went on record as John Doe. He knew that if his name had made it into the database, his father would be there in a heart beat to take him home and lecture him the entire way.

So when he got out of the hospital he dropped his classes, gave the renter notice, and he left Ohio for good.

The phone ringing startled him out of memory lane. Begrudgingly Shawn grabbed the phone and eyed the caller ID. It was his father, again. Shawn rolled his eyes, "Never been this adamant to get the last word." He muttered before unplugging the line from the receiver.

He was sure that in a little while someone would show up, but right now he wasn't in the mood to mess with people. He wanted to sit here, wallow in self pity for a little bit, seethe in angst, and hate his father. Then in a little while he would be okay and he would pack up and go get food, then home to sleep for the next fortnight.

Maybe he would pick up a pineapple along the way.

* * *

><p><em>His vision was blurry, and the pain was spreading throughout his body rapidly. In a rush it all came back to him. He had been mugged, and shot.<em>

_Three guys jumped him from behind as he left his motel room that night to go for a ride. He was tackled to the ground roughly and kicked in the side. Defensively Shawn swung at his attacker's legs, successfully taking them out. He tried to jump to his feet, but was shoved down again by two sets of rough hands, this time with more force. _

_The attackers didn't say a word as they beat him and stripped him of his wallet, phone, room key, and his last twenty. Luckily they didn't take his key to the motorcycle. Once his belongings were gone they turned back to the beating side of this mugging. One of them produced a small knife and waved it tauntingly in his face. One of the men slapped it away and pulled out a black handgun. Wordlessly he shot twice, hitting Shawn in the stomach both times. _

_Twice he attempted to break free, and each time they beat him back down harder than before. On his last try he began to scream for help, but the biggest one lifted him up and threw him into the wall of the motel. As his back slammed into the concrete exterior Shawn watched as the darkness took over his eyes. He slid into a slouch and tried to weakly ward off his attackers. _

_Two blows to the head later and he was out cold. _

_Now, however, he was wide awake and in pain. Above him someone was frantically calling out orders. Beside him someone dropped to his level and began to ask him random questions that he wasn't really sure he knew how to answer. Their words were all jumbled and their face kept swimming out of view._

_The darkness took over again. _

_He awoke this time to bright lights and a loud, obnoxious siren. His abdomen was on fire and his head was about to explode. The white hot pain crept the length of his body causing him to scream out in pain. _

_For a third time his world went black._

* * *

><p>Shawn shuddered at that memory. No one knew that when he was shot trying to solve the 'Great Ice cream Truck Scandal' that it wasn't his first. It was however, his first that wasn't as painful, but boy did it still rank up there.<p>

That memory still haunted him. He could just hear his father berating him on the things he should have done differently. Repressing a snort Shawn focused on forgetting that particular memory. He wasn't too keen on repeating the earlier episode where he was overcome with fear from the OD fiasco.

But as hard as he tried, he couldn't escape the remnants of the pain that still lingered in the back of his mind. When they say your life flashes before your eyes, they lied. The only thing Shawn saw was blurred faces and slurred voices. Nothing matched up, nothing made sense. The only feeling he had was of pain and the foreboding thoughts of his death, and what would happen to those he loved.

Shawn sighed impatiently. This was one memory he would gladly erase forever. There was nothing good about that night or the following two weeks. The two surgeries he had, the first three days he wouldn't stop bleeding, the infections, all the complications.

His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose while the fight made it's way to the forefront of his mind. Shawn though back to what if his father did know about his time on the road. Would he treat him different? Would he hate him that much more? Would he just be disappointed like always?

What about Gus? Shawn already knew that answer. He would treat him no different, but at first he would be skeptical that Shawn was truly okay after it all. While he was in fact 'okay', he found that he still needed time to sit back and wallow in it all. After all, that rich guy did teach him a few things during his stay in Dallas.

* * *

><p>"<em>Mr. Asher, please, I seriously am okay. There is no need for me to stay any longer." Shawn said with a smile. <em>

"_Shawn, for the last time call me Cole. And I insist. You clearly have no where else to go." Mr. Asher smiled back from across the dining table. _

_Cole had taken Shawn under his wing after hiring him to mow the lawns of his estate. Despite being his boss, Shawn had no qualms about telling the man exactly what he thought, and Cole had like him from the start. The aging man offered him the guest house, and access to his home, as well as a healthy amount of cash in return for his services. _

_After being on the road for nearly five months, bouncing from job to job, Shawn gladly accepted. In the short span of eight months Shawn had saved up enough to move back into a small apartment in Santa Barbara. _

"_Well, that is true, but I miss my best friend. I miss the banter, the witty sarcasm, and the love for all things Pineapple we share." Shawn replied as he dug into tonight's dinner: enchiladas. _

"_And yet I still see some hesitation in your eyes. You know, I used to be just like you," Cole said dressing up his food. "I was the kid in school who everyone thought would become rich and powerful because some twice removed uncle left him a fortune." _

_Shawn snorted, "Because that's exactly how it happened."_

_Cole shrugged, "It's all in the details. But the point is, I know the road you are going down, having driven it myself. So if you want to talk, do so. Otherwise this will be a really boring dinner." _

_Shawn rose an eyebrow but said nothing. After a few minutes of silence he sighed. "Alright, alright. You win, again. You have an amazing track record in this area Cole."_

"_I studied to become a psychologist for a while," Cole said nonchalantly. _

"_Of course you did." Shawn replied with a small smirk. Two bites later he began again. "I'm worried that they'll find out about the stuff that happened on the road. Like me being shot, or the OD, or the temporary kidnap during the bank robbery, or me being stalked by that creepy chick with the camera. I'm still haunted by the sniper shots of me picking my nose." _

_Cole chuckled, "Ah, Miss Miranda. She was a peach wasn't she?"_

"_If by peach you mean crazy, inbred Chihuahua, with a photo fetish, then yes, she was quite peachy." _

"_So what if they do find out." Cole said, ignoring the obvious sarcasm coming from his surrogate ward._

"_Well my father won't hesitate to lecture me for the next millennium. My mother will insist on 'helping me' with her psychiatry, and Gus. Well Gus is Gus, and that won't change between us." Shawn said thoughtfully, now pushing his food around._

"_I'm sensing this isn't really about them finding out. There's more to it, isn't there?" Cole asked, motioning for the butler to come clear the table. "Thank you Clyde." The butler nodded and was gone in a flash._

_Shawn shrugged. "Why lie, you see right through me anyway. So yes, there is more. Part of me isn't over it, and I'm not up for discussing any of it. I don't want them to find out because I don't want to tell them about it, I don't want to relive it, because once was enough."_

_Cole nodded. "I know the feeling. Do you know that to this day, you are one of two people that know about me nearly drowning in the Gulf? Clyde saved my life."_

_Shawn gave him a curious look but shook his head. "You mean that no one knows?" He said skeptically._

"_Yes, it wasn't fair that I ask you to spill your secrets and not share one in return. So I told you my darkest, scariest one yet. And you know what? It felt pretty damn good to get it off my chest. To this day I still lock my self in my room and just let myself go back to that day and let my mind replay it over and over so I can get it out of my system. It's been forty years since then, when I was just approaching my twenties." Cole explained. _

"_You really are the father I never had."_

"_You had a father. I'm more of the cool, rich uncle who leaves you everything when I die."_

"_You won't, but thanks for that. Thanks for everything, you really are great."_

* * *

><p>When it all came down to it, this week wasn't just about the case. It was about the letter he received by Cole's lawyer, giving him a copy of the last will and testament that Cole had written up. With it was a hand written letter from Cole, telling Shawn everything that happened since he left three years ago.<p>

He had caught cancer shortly after Shawn had left, and fought it hard for three years, but in the end it won. In his will he left everything to Shawn, just like he said he would.

"What a crazy old bastard," Shawn muttered affectionately.

He picked up the letter that was on the coffee table in front of him and let his eyes scan it or the hundredth time.

_I'm sorry I never called back, or even called you first. I'm sorry I never emailed, or dropped in for a visit. Truthfully, I couldn't let you see me like this. I'm nothing like the man you saw those years ago. I'm frail, I'm pale, I look _**old**_. My sex appeal is gone as is my hair. Don't you dare make a crack that it was already gone, because my hair was as brilliant as ever three years ago._

Shawn laughed through a couple of stray tears. It was just like Cole to make a joke of dying. For that Shawn envied him. Not once, in any of his near-death experiences could he do that. He let the fear win, and that is one of his biggest regrets.

There was much more that he didn't tell Cole. Most little things that happened, but no one knew what really happened at the bank. Sure Cole knew the gist of it, but he didn't know that Shawn, along with six other people had been taken out of the group and sat in order to be executed until demands were met. Shawn was fifth. He had to watch four people murdered before his eyes.

Even as he sat here the memory wouldn't come to him, and that was just fine with Shawn. He had worked extra hard to keep it repressed, under lock and key, in a cement box, tucked away in the furthest crevice of his mind.

After the fourth person, a woman, mother of two, one of the robbers snapped and turned on his accomplice. He unloaded six shots on him before turning and opening fire on the rest of the hostages. Shawn grabbed the sixth man and dove behind a desk. He remembered vaguely hissing something, then nothing.

The guy that killed his partner turned the gun on himself. Ten people died that day, that was something he would never forget, no matter how hard he tried.

"Sorry Cole," He whispered. He couldn't tell anyone, not even Cole about that one. It was too hard and he worked too much to keep it away.

_I told you I would leave you everything. So I did. You have enough money to last a lifetime, though I'm sure it'll end up in a pineapple farm somewhere. That obsession is one that I'll never understand. You've got the cars, the plane, the estate, the money. I didn't leave you the firm, but then again I didn't expect you would want it. _

Cole was right, Shawn thought idly. There was no way he could run a firm that he had no idea what it was, nor from so far away.

_Despite the lack of contact, I've been well informed of your life the last couple of years. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hire a private eye, rather I have a close relative near you. You know her quite well actually, and she tells me nothing but good about you. Occasionally she'll tell me about your psychic visions. _

_Psychic, eh? Didn't peg that one, but then I didn't need to. Everyone's entitled to their secrets. _

_Do you think you could give Karen the other envelope?_

When he first read the envelope Shawn nearly choked. Chief Vick? Knew Cole?

* * *

><p>"<em>Close the door Mr. Spencer." The Chief said softly. <em>

_Shawn obliged and sat in front of her with a sad look on his face. _

"_You got the letter then." It wasn't a question, more of an observation. Karen sighed lightly before smiling. "I always told him that he should call you. He wouldn't let me, something about being embarrassed about his hair." She shook her head._

_Shawn managed a grin. "That's what he said in his letter. I wish he'd have told me. I would have been there in a heartbeat."_

"_I think that's what made him keep it a secret. He didn't want you to feel obligated to do that."_

"_Not obligated, want. He did so much for me, more than you'll ever possibly know, and I never got to repay him." Shawn said heavily. _

"_You repaid him plenty by just being there. He had so many stories of the two of you and each time I brought up your name, I could see a surge of pride in his eyes. He really thought of you as a son. Or rather the surrogate nephew."_

"_He was my cool, rich uncle who left me everything."_

_Karen smiled. "Not quite everything, but nearly. I'm sorry I never told you about being his niece."_

"_Why should you? As far as I knew, no one knew about his connection to me. I don't blame you in the slightest. However, I will blame you if you said bad stuff about me." _

"_Like Cole would believe anything bad about you. Mr. Spencer, he was convinced that the sun shined out of your ass."_

_Shawn lost it, a mix of laughter and sorrow. Karen smiled and offered him a hand. _

* * *

><p>"<em>Clyde! I'm glad you picked up," Shawn exclaimed as the familiar voice answered the number that he had so much trouble dialing. After reading the letter he knew he had to call. Cole left the number after all.<em>

"_Mr. Spenc-"_

"_Shawn, please." Shawn interrupted, mentally rolling his eyes._

"_Shawn then. It's a pleasant surprise. I assume you got the letter?" He heard Clyde ask._

"_Yes, and that's the reason I'm calling. I'm signing off on the deed and giving you the estate. I have no need for it in Santa Barbara, and you are the only other person Clyde would trust with the place. I'm surprised he didn't leave it to you in the first place."_

"_That would be because I told him not to. He wanted to believe me, but I thought it would be good for you should you ever need a get away home."_

_Shawn nodded in appreciation "Thanks, but you deserve it and need it much more than me. Pick a couple of cars too. The old man had six million of them. I'll keep a couple and then sell the rest. Do you need a plane by chance?"_

_He heard Clyde chuckle into the phone. "No, and neither did he. It was one of those impulse buys. Sell it, you should be able to get a pretty penny for it."_

Their conversation lasted hours, reminiscing together. One he hung up he immediately signed at the papers and faxed them to the lawyers office, mentally thanking Gus for investing in a fax machine.

Two days later he walked into the bank and asked to transfer some funds into a couple of his accounts.

* * *

><p>"<em>I need to transfer some money into the account I share with Burton Guster," Shawn said with a smile. After two years of sweet talking the lady into letting him get the money, Gus finally broke down and added Shawn to his bank account, saying it was easier that way. <em>

"_Sure Mr. Spencer, and how much are you transferring?" _

_Shawn thought a moment. "Ten million." _

_The lady behind the counter sputtered, nearly choking on her sucker. "T-ten?"_

"_Not enough?" Shawn asked. "Make it fifteen." He knew it was a ridiculous amount of money, but Clyde left him an even more ridiculous sum. So he was going to distribute it evenly until it was at a much more comfortable sum for him._

"_Are you sure? That's a lot of money." She said while getting the necessary papers. _

"_Positive. I kind of owe him for all the lost movies he's had to pay for, hijacking his car and using all his gas so many times, the numerous collector's items I buy off eBay with his credit card, the millions of smoothies. I could go on, but there is too much that I owe him. Trust me when I say that I've ran him down a good million or two." Shawn said with a grin._

"_We'll have to send a bank statement immediately." She stated as Shawn signed his name. _

"_All the better!"_

* * *

><p>Now Shawn was waiting for the day that Gus found out. It should be rather soon, if the postal service was still up to par.<p>

Thinking back on it, he knew the two cars he picked should be arriving soon as well. One was straight to the detailers so it could be officially dubbed the Psychmobile while he was keeping one for when it rained. "No more soggy bike rides," He smiled.

He was startled for a second time that day be the sound of someone banging on the door. Curious Shawn peaked through the blinds to see a very animated Gus pounding on the door.

"SHAWN! I KNOW YOUR IN THERE!" Shawn chuckled but retreated back to the couch. He needed to clean up before letting Gus see the small mess he had made. Checking the clock he was surprised to see that three hours had passed.

When he plugged the phone back in it immediately began to register voice mails. The count climbed up to six, to his astonishment. He would get those later.

"SHAWN! YOUR BIKES OUT HERE FOR GOD SAKE! LET ME IN!" The door rattled threateningly, but Shawn knew there was no way he was getting in with the book case still there. Tossing his empty smoothie cup in the trash he walked to the door way and casually scooted the book case back to it's rightful spot. Counting to ten he slowly opened the door.

"SHAW-" Gus stopped upon seeing Shawn's smirking face.

Shawn stepped aside and Gus pushed past him in a huff. "Shawn! I've been calling you for three hours!"

He shrugged in response. "Phone is off and unplugged the one to the office."

Gus rolled his eyes. "Your dad called. He was pissed that you walked out on dinner, but wouldn't say anything more. Just that I needed to find your ass before you did something stupid."

Shawn sighed heavily and dropped back down on the couch.

"Loooong story. Really, really long, complicated, story."

"I figured, but that's not why I'm here. I got my bank statement today Shawn." Gus said looking exasperated.

Shawn just smiled in return, nodding for him to continue.

"It was fifteen million fuller than the last time I checked." Gus said dropping into his seat behind his desk.

"Wow. That's great!" Shawn feigned surprise.

"Shawn! Who'd you rob?" Gus said sarcastically.

"Some rich guy. He grew fond of me during my last trip away." Shawn said simply, not wanting to get into it.

Gus raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He knew better than to press Shawn when he was like this.

"Besides, I figured I owed you some. So I donated to our account. And Psych's account. Oh and I got us a company car."

Gus just stared at him in wonder, obviously debating on what to say next. He opened his mouth a couple of times before deciding on, "If your dad ever calls me and yells at me like I'm four years old again, I'm going to kill you. And change my number, and possibly my address."

Shawn chucked. "That bad?"

Gus nodded. "He was venting because you had the 'audacity to walk away' and I was the only one stupid enough to answer the phone."

"Buddy, how about I treat you to a smoothie. Mine's fresh out."

"I'm not paying."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Yes you would."

"Fine, but I got them this time."

"Meaning my ass has them for the other seven million?"

"Right you are."

For the first time this week, Shawn felt good.

* * *

><p><strong>Fin!<strong>

**Well sorta. Part duex will be up momentarily.  
><strong>

**This has been in my head forever and I finally got around to writing it. **

**Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

It had been three days since his fight with his dad and Shawn had no qualms about avoiding it like the plague. Sure there had been incessant calling, threatening, unexpected visits at Psych and his house, but Shawn usually found a reason to disappear at a moments notice.

Gus had played along at first, still quite upset about the call he got, but now he was growing irritated at the childish display on both ends.

"Shawn. Call him. Talk to him. Send him a smoke signal for all I care, but I swear if that phone goes off one more time, I'll make you eat it." He said irritably from behind his lap top.

Shawn rolled his eyes and threw his stuffed frog at him. "I can ask Jules for some Midol if you need some."

Gus opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the sound of their phone going off for the sixth time that day. Before Mt. Saint Gustersaurus could explode Shawn answered the phone.

"_Sha-" _His father's voice sounded.

"No, we don't want any cookies." Shawn said with a bored expression.

"_What? Shawn listen her-"_

"No, last time they were stale and a waste of seventy dollars. And my thin mints were missing." Shawn replied rolling his eyes.

"_Shawn! Stop preten-"_

"Until you come out with a delicious pineapple flavored one, I don't want any." Shawn clicked the phone off before his father could go off on him for ignoring him completely.

Carefully he set the phone upside down in the charger and sat back at his desk with a playful grin on his face.

"That wasn't the Girl Scouts of America was it?" Gus asked matching his grin, forgetting his anger instantly.

"Not even close."

Shawn sat still for a moment before jumping up. "I'm bored. Smoothies?"

Gus thought it over for a minute, "You know that's right." He gazed at Shawn before getting up, and opened his mouth again.

"Why do I sense a 'but' coming on?" Shawn asked grabbing his keys. The company car was finally delivered and Shawn couldn't be happier at how the Dodge Challenger turned out. It was lime green with their logo in white spanning across the back window.

"No but, just a question," Gus said smoothly.

"No. Not yet at least," Shawn said before Gus could ask.

"As long as you promise to talk about it."

"Gus, do cow's lay eggs?"

"No. Promise me. Or I'll tell the girl at Jamba Juice that you were sent to jail for being a psycho stalker and she's your new target."

"You play dirty." Shawn said with narrow eyes.

"I left it for three days. Now promise me we'll talk."

"Fine. But not now."

"Duh, we are getting smoothies. Smoothies are not 'serious discussion' drinks. That is tea, or coffee. Or even a cocktail." Gus explained grabbing his jacket.

"Tea and crumpets later?" Shawn asked playfully as they left the building.

"Shawn, you don't even know what crumpets are."

"A thick, flat, savory cake with a soft, porous texture, made from a yeast mixture cooked on a griddle and toasted to a buttery perfection."

Gus paused for a moment in disbelief. Shawn smirked before climbing into the car.

* * *

><p>"Lassafrass!" Shawn exclaimed as they entered the police department. Lassiter's face screwed into a distasteful look.<p>

"Spencer." He said sharply and returned his attention to his computer. Juliet shook her head and turned to greet them.

"Hey Shawn, Gus! What brings you down here?"

"Getting our check from the last case. Chief called and said it was ready." Shawn explained easily. Gus narrowed his eyes behind his friend but didn't press the matter. The two moved quickly towards the Chiefs office.

"We've already been paid. You said there was a case for us!" Gus whispered into Shawn's ear.

Shawn shrugged. "Well not really, but you wouldn't have came down here if I hadn't asked!" Shawn whispered back. He raised his hand to knock but stopped seconds before hitting the door. With a thoughtful look he pushed through the door and said,

"Karen! My favorite surrogate uncle's niece!"

Chief Vick looked up with a wary look. "I'm the only one Mr. Spencer." She eyed the duo before nodding at the chairs in front of her. "Take a seat. I wasn't aware you were bringing company Shawn."

"I wasn't, but a smoothie turned into a churro run, which turned into a jerk chicken fest. Then before I knew it, it was time for our meeting."

Gus coughed into his hand. "Bullshit!"

Chief Vick raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Shawn sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine I sensed my father was at Psych and I haven't talked to him since our little fiasco. But the rest was totally true. For the record though, never eat jerk chicken after churro's, that's like instant heartburn and gut fire."

Gus nodded, "I'm still burning."

The Chief shook her head and gave a small smile. "The reason I called you in here Shawn was to see how things were going. And to ask why a car suddenly appeared in my driveway, in place of my modest sedan, with my license plates on it."

"Fine, mostly. Still coming to grips with it all being real, and that I won't be able to crash at his place again." Shawn said, avoiding the car. Chief Vick shot him a pointed look and he relented. "And one of the thousands of cars that he owned was perfect for a police chief mother and I sorta had the title changed and then kind of got your tags moved to the new vehicle."

She opened her mouth to speak but decided against it. Instead she stood and strode around her desk with a stern glare. Shawn gulped as she bent forward to him. Karen took one arm and wrapped it around him in a hug before leaning in to whisper, "If you ever do that again, I'll make sure that pretty little bike of yours becomes property of Carlton Lassiter."

Shawn smirked, "You hugged me!" He whispered back. Chief Vick rightened herself with an annoyed look.

"You can't prove it, and I'll deny it to my grave."

* * *

><p>Later that night Gus cornered Shawn by stealthily hiding both sets of keys.<p>

"Gus!" He pouted. "I'll miss tonight's episode of America's Got Talent!" Gus rolled his eyes.

"You have it set up to be Ti-voed. Besides you promised."

"I said eventually, not tonight!" Shawn countered grabbing his frog of his desk, glaring at Gus the whole time.

"In my book eventually is now. Why can't you just talk to me?" Gus looked at him with a soft face. Shawn turned his head away from him and shook his head.

"I'm not ready, not yet."

"I've known you since we were five, so I know that, that line is bull. You'll never be ready, but you need to talk about it. I can clearly see that it's eating away at you."

Shawn shrugged. "Not much to talk about. Stuff happened and now the one guy that was like a father figure to me is gone."

"I know that's not all. After the fight your father kept repeating 'What don't I know about him?' and I couldn't say anything, because you know what? I don't know all that much about what happened when you took off."

Shawn sighed and flexed his hand around his frog. "Yeah, I know." It was a simple statement. Gus continued to stare at him, mentally probing him.

"Shawn, I know you don't want to, but in all the years I've known you, you've always been okay after talking about something difficult. Like the night your parents told you they were getting a divorce. It was painful, but you felt better after we talked for six hours and missed the Thundercat's marathon."

Despite the somber mood Shawn cracked a grin, "You were so pissed about that."

"No I was pissed that your father called six times and my mother yelled at us."

"Your mom's a big softie when she's mad."

"Please, it's like having Jack Nicholson as a mother. She even kind of resembles him when she yells."

Shawn groaned, "You seriously didn't just compare you mom to Jack Nicholson did you?" Gus shrugged his shoulders with a smile. "Dude, that is so wrong on so many levels."

"We're off topic again."

"So."

"I'll call Juliet."

"You are a dirty fighter."

"Damn straight. After being your best friend for all of eternity you pick up a few tricks along the way."

Shawn just shook his head sadly. "Honestly I don't know where to begin." He sat there looking at Gus for a long moment. Neither broke eye contact until the phone rang. Gus groaned and said,

"I'll get it. But I swear if it's your dad I'll kill you Shawn."

"It's not my fault," Shawn muttered sourly.

"Hello?"

"Gus put Shawn on."

"He's not here sir."

"Like hell he isn't. I can see his bike from here, and that ugly 'company' car of his. Let me speak to my son."

"Sorry, but that isn't happening."

"Gus, if you know what's good for you, you'll let me talk to my damn son!" Shawn cringed as he heard his father's voice raise.

"No sir, if you know what's good for you, you'll leave us the hell alone." Gus said back before slamming the phone down.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go barricade the door now."

Shawn grinned after his friend and helped him shove the bookshelf across the door. "Not really necessary, but a good precaution."

"I just cussed at your dad Shawn. My ass is going to become jerk chicken!"

Shawn shook his head, "Nah, you'd be the burnt ends served with a side of sweet and sour barbeque sauce."

* * *

><p><em>His head ached, his vision swam, and he was sure that there was something in the beer he'd drank. He'd only had three, maybe four, but at this point the couldn't remember what way he was walking, or why he was even walking when he felt like this.<em>

_All he wanted right now was his nice comfy bed and maybe his mom there to soothe his pain. Yeah, he'd like that. His mom always knew the right way to calm him down when he was sick._

_But she isn't here, the rational part of his mind reminded him. She's somewhere in Washington at a conference. Or maybe she's back home in Santa Barbara._

_As those thoughts floated across his brain the sensation of vertigo took over his body and in a rapid rate of speed his face was closing in on the concrete sidewalk._

_CRACK!_

_His skull connected with the ground and white hot pain coursed through his brain. A muffled cry escaped his mouth. He tried to move his arms to hoist himself up, but they remained motionless. The pain in his head, the nausea in his stomach, and the darkness at the edges of his vision began to intensify._

"_Help!" He tried to call out, but all he managed was a slurred moan._

* * *

><p>"…the rent-a-cop they hired to patrol campus found me almost immediately. He thought I was just some drunk kid who passed out, but I guess I had seizure or something. I was rushed to the hospital where I proceeded to OD on the date rape drug." He finished while looking at the floor. Shawn really didn't want to see the look on his friends face, especially when he was just starting to get over that bit of his past.<p>

It didn't take long to have another flash back, but this time Shawn was surprised at how fast this one had attacked his brain.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Die, withdraw<br>Hide in cold sweat  
>Quivering lips<br>Ignore remorse  
>All that you can turning you red<strong>_

_The lyrics haunted him from afar as his body convulsed violently. He wasn't sure if he'd heard them before, or if he was making them up. He was glad for them, despite the depressing overtones they provided. They gave him something to concentrate on that wasn't why his body was betraying him, why his eyelids had suddenly become too heavy to lift, why the pain in his stomach and head wouldn't go away. _

_His mind was hazy, he couldn't' exactly remember what caused all of this, but he wanted out. He wanted to go home to cuddle with his mom and for her to tell him he was going to be okay. He wanted to see Gus who would ignore that this happened and help him move on. He wanted life to be simple again._

_He tried again to open his eyes. They wouldn't budge. Most of all he wanted to see light again, to be able to see anything that wasn't darkness. He felt his breath quicken, coming in short rasps. The darkness began to press down on him and his chest tightened as fear creeped into his mind. The panic attack intensified and Shawn fought for a breath. His lungs protested the lack of air and his mind was screaming orders to breathe. But he just couldn't do it. He couldn't will his lungs to rise and for his throat to suck in air. _

"_I NEED A CRASH CART!" _

_The voice startled him sending a brief flash of light across his eyes. Crash cart? Was he hurt? That would explain the pain. _

_His thoughts halted as a strong jolt coursed through his body. He went numb in response and felt tears prick the back of his eyes as a wave of pain hit his brain. The jolt happened again moments later, stronger than before. He wanted to cry out but the cry was stuck in his throat along with the breath that he couldn't swallow. _

"_GAHH-!" His cry was cut off by something heavy being forced over his mouth and nose. Instantly oxygen was being forced into his body. He was glad for it because now his lungs could relax, but the rest of his body convulsed with the pain that was a result of the jolts. _

_His head grew even foggier and slowly the darkness won out and he was no longer conscious._

* * *

><p>For a moment after his flash back it was totally silent. Gus held a steady gaze at his best friend, pondering what exactly to say, what could he say to offer comfort? In the end he settled on a low whistle. "I always knew you were part cat," He offered blandly. Shawn simply shook his head in return.<p>

"Then I should tell you about how I lost life eight then," He said seriously. Gus' eyes came up sharply.

"You mean to tell me there is more?"

"Tons." Shawn said before launching into the next story before his confidence was lost.

* * *

><p><em>Pink. White. Red.<em>

_Those colors blended together before fading into a gray blob of nothing. Light danced before him in a taunting pattern, but it too began to fade like the colors._

_He'd been stuck here in this limbo for a long while. Every now and then the colors would change and the light would get brighter. One particular time the colors turned dark and when they finished blending he noted that the shade was a sickening resemblance to blood. The light vanished completely and he was left in total darkness with a loud ringing in his ears._

_That lasted for a long time. Hours, maybe._

_Slowly the colors began to become brighter, and the light stayed longer before dieing. The ringing slowed and vanished._

_Before him the scene of colors faded into a picture of a room. It was foggy, but he could make out a multitude of machines and a dark face behind a mask hovering over his face. To his left a light was clicked on, blinding him temporarily. A slur of words were yelled and a jolt of electricity coursed through his body leaving him numb._

_It was a sensation that he had felt before, and in an instant flashes of the last time he was like this hit him full force. He was sure he whimpered at this point, but his body was beyond his control. _

_The colors faded back into his line of sight and eventually he men in masks disappeared all together, but the sounds of machines and rushed words still sounded once in a while. _

* * *

><p>Gus stared at him apprehensively. "You don't have to finish this one Shawn," His face held a sick look and Shawn shook his head.<p>

"You were right, I need to. Oddly I feel better, but only just. The reliving part is still fairly taxing." Shawn paused a moment, squeezing his frog in a slow rhythm. "They said I died twice on the table, so technically I lost lives eight and seven. It took two surgeries and three days before the bleeding stopped. Once it did thought, I developed an infection and the wound wouldn't heal. That was the longest wait of my entire life." He said thickly while running a hand through his hair.

"Shawn, I really don't know what to say to this. I'd say I'd offer my sympathies, but you'd kill me. I'd say I wished I had known, but at the same time I don't, because I can see you really don't want anyone to know your secrets." Gus said moving to sit in one of the armchairs. Shawn heaved himself to his feet and followed, opting to flop on the couch.

"If I could, I would gladly erase every last memory. I think part of me thought that if I never told anyone, then it would go away."

Gus nodded understandingly. "Like my ACT incident," he said referring to the time he forgot his name while taking the ACT. "One question though," Gus began with a curious face. "How come no one on your emergency contact list was notified?"

"I refused to give my name. The only thing I would tell them was to bill my cousin Shawn Spencer."

"You can do that?"

"I did. Quite plainly I just didn't talk, not even when the asked me about my pain levels and such. I was too wrapped up in self pity, but in the end it worked out because if my father knew any of this, he wouldn't hesitate to use it as a lecture." Shawn sighed, "Ready for lives five and six?"

Gus just shot him an exasperated look.

"Well technically they aren't really lost lives, but the situations could have gone either way."

Before he could continue his phone began to play a simple melody that signaled an incoming call. He debated for a minute on whether or not to answer it, but in the end he decided to at least see who it was.

"Jules?" He said aloud and looked at Gus.

"Answer it. It might be important."

Shawn rolled his eyes, "Or you just want a break to soak in my soap opera life."

"You know that's right. I'm going to go grab a beer, want one?"

Shawn shook his head and cleared his throat before answering the phone. "Jules!" He said with a bit to much enthusiasm. Behind him Gus snorted.

"Desperate!" He coughed into his hand. Shawn flipped him off behind his head and listened for Juliet to reply.

"Shawn! You answered," She said with a hint of surprise.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You didn't answer my last four texts."

"Wait, you texted me?" Shawn said with confusion. He would have heard his phone go off if she had, but then again he was a bit preoccupied.

"Shawn are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"That's not an answer."

"I'm fine," he said with force. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her, it was that he didn't want to talk to her, now. Gus sat back down in front of him and rolled his eyes.

"Smooth," He whispered.

"What to do you expect?" Shawn hissed covering the phone.

"Less forcefulness and a better acting job," He hissed back.

"Let's see you try!"

"I'm not the one she called."

"Hello? Shawn? Are you there? That's it! I'm coming over to Psych."

Shawn jumped at the sound of her voice, having forgotten about her while fighting with Gus. "No! Wait! Jules that's not neces-" The ominous dial tone filled his ears and he cursed loudly.

"Jules is coming."

Gus shrugged, "Good, that'll save you telling her about the rest of your non-tella-novella."

"What? There is no way I'm telling Jules any of this."

"You have to now." Gus said smugly.

"Your planning something…" Shawn said through narrow eyes.

"Nope, but it's healthy. That and I don't want to be the only one who knows this stuff. You know how I get when we share secrets only we know. I'm a ticking time bomb Shawn, one day I'm just going to explode."

"You know about the fake psychicness." Shawn pointed out.

"So does your father."

"What about the pier with Abigail back in high school?"

"You told your mother and now Abigail knows."

"When I glued everything to Lassie's desk?"

"The entire police department knew except Lassiter."

"You aren't going to let me win are you?"

"Not a chance."

Shawn sighed and sent his friend a glare. He returned it with a nonchalant shrug and a grin.

* * *

><p>"Juliet!" Gus greeted her with a grin. She returned it before making a B-line to the couch with her hands on her hips.<p>

"Shawn."

"Jules."

"What is wrong?"

"Where to begin…"

Gus looked on with annoyance. "Shawn! It takes her four words for you to crack and I have to hide your car keys and badger you for three days?"

Shawn shrugged innocently. "You are just too fun to rile up buddy."

Gus sat in his chair with a huff. Juliet rolled her eyes and sat beside Gus.

"To save time, I'm going to do a brief overview of how I lost four of my nine lives." He turned to Juliet, "I am three parts jackal, but eight parts cheetah."

It took some time, but Shawn repeated every bit of his story to Juliet, with a bit more confidence than the first time. It was strange telling her all this when she really didn't know him all that well. Besides obscure eighties references, an odd affinity for pineapple, and a die hard addiction to smoothies, this was the most she had ever found out about him in one sitting.

He had to give her credit, she didn't interrupt once, and she bit back the sobbing chokes that Gus couldn't. Shawn could see that it was paining her to hear all this, but he wasn't about to stop. Gus was right, it was good to get it off his chest. Cole was right in that respect too, but Shawn was never able to find one thing Cole had been wrong about.

As the words poured out of him, along went his self pity, the angst that had built up, all the sadness and pain over loosing Cole, and every bit of bitterness associated with his father.

Before him sat two of his closest friends who listened to what he had to say, nodded in the right parts, and looked genuinely concerned for him. Instantly his fear of being treated different dissipated and he was left feeling good. Great even.

As he finished his last story about being held hostage during a bank robbery he smiled through sad tears that he wasn't aware had started falling.

"And the best part about this all is that crazy old bastard who taught me life's greatest lesson: Never push away anyone who wants to be there for you, because if you do it'll be a long and lonely life."

Finally he was done talking and he sat back against the couch and let himself relax. Beside him Gus sat and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Juliet followed suit and wrapped her arm around him and gave him a long hug.

For a long time they sat like that, and for that Shawn was thankful.


End file.
